If Only... Read online

  The ferocious intensity of the need he felt building within caused him to rein it in. And as he did, sanity returned. He ended the kiss abruptly, realization dawning on him. Micah’s eyes were wide in shock, her breathing ragged as she lay pinned beneath him. He looked down to find his hand on her breast.

  He muttered a curse as he jumped up from the bed and left the room in a hurry. With the offending hand clenched in a fist, he prayed she was too drunk to ever remember what had just happened. It would ruin everything!

  * * *

  Micah lay there, stunned. The fog suddenly cleared. Time had stopped. Her breathing halted, or maybe she was breathing faster than normal. She couldn’t tell.

  She had been vaguely aware of Josh as his large frame hovered over her, his face close to her own. She had seen his tongue as it peeked out ever so slightly and wet his lips. His gaze pinned to her mouth. Micah had acted on instinct, not fully aware of her own actions.

  Then, bam!

  She wanted to blame it on her vivid imagination or her wasted mind-set. None of this was real, and that kiss...

  Oh, that kiss! Her body was still humming from the intensity of that kiss.

  No. There was no way her imagination could have come up with a kiss like that. Her rapidly beating heart spoke volumes in and of itself.

  She felt so much at the moment: desire, heat and...guilt? Drew’s face plastered at the forefront of her mind. Her stomach turned.

  Micah’s head decided it hurt too much to think right now. She longed for sleep and prayed good dreams would come and steal her from reality and the inevitable hangover that she was already dreading. Why did she think tequila had been a good idea in the first place?

  Closing her eyes, she buried herself under the covers and let herself fall under the spell slumber provided.

  * * *

  The smell of fall surrounded her. Micah couldn’t quite define it, but if she could bottle it she would. It was crisp and fresh and automatically brought images of falling leaves and apple picking. And no one did fall the way New England did. The air was just cool enough to require a jacket, but still nice enough that she and her friends could spend the evening outdoors.

  Her hair whipped in the wind, and in this moment of sheer contentment, she allowed it. Pulling the tie from her hair, she let it go wild and free. Drew’s beautiful blue eyes lit up as he watched.

  “Oh, Micah O’Shea.” His voice had a deep, grizzled quality as he said her name.

  “What?”

  “You know I love when you let your hair down.” His voice was just above a whisper as he reached out and grasped a piece between his fingers. “The color is breathtaking.”

  Her cheeks grew warm and she silently cursed herself for it. Her ivory skin had an awful habit of turning a splotchy shade of crimson at times. She could feel it happening now.

  “Do you two always have to make googly eyes at each other like that?” Jamie’s voice broke their little moment like a baseball bat connecting with crystal. That was Jamie.

  “You’re just jealous,” Sabina chimed in from the tailgate of Jamie’s pickup truck. That’s what best friends were for—always had one another’s backs.

  “Thanks for the birthday dinner, guys. You didn’t have to do that.” Drew leaned back in the grass on his elbows and crossed his legs at the ankles.

  “Yeah, right. You’d kick our butts if we didn’t.” Josh threw a football at Drew, forcing him to sit back up in a hurry. They all laughed at the truth of that statement. The six of them did everything together, therefore every birthday was mandatory.

  Micah curled into Drew’s side as he settled back in the grass. She loved listening to his laughter rumble deep in his chest every time the guys said something funny. He smelled like fresh laundry and his cologne. She had bought a small bottle of it and put some on the teddy bear he had won for her last year at the fair. She slept with it every night, breathing in his scent. She knew it was pathetic, and would be mortified if anyone ever found out.

  The two of them remained that way until the sky grew dark. She loved looking at the stars, but tonight the sky was too cloudy to see anything but a dark midnight-gray sky.

  “Is that a star?” He pointed straight up.

  “Where? I think you’re seeing things. I can’t see anything.”

  “It probably isn’t.” His laugh rumbled beneath her. She felt him kiss the top of her head. He was always doing little things like that, small actions that made her feel precious, loved. His hand gently rubbed back and forth along her back. It was soothing. She could fall asleep here in the grass, in his arms. She could spend forever with him like this.

  “I love you,” she murmured into his neck.

  “I love you, too.”

  They were completely lost in one another. Their friends were still there, not paying any attention to them, just as the two of them were not paying any attention to the others. He lifted her hand from his chest and placed a warm kiss to her palm, cradling it to his cheek. Yes, she could stay like this forever.

  The cool night air drifted over them. Everyone had become so quiet that it was easy to hear the leaves rustling around them, the small town below them settling down for the night. It was beautiful. Magical. It was a memory that would forever be imprinted on her mind. Embraced in the arms of the one she loved, surrounded by friends who were always there—yes, a memory to last a lifetime.

  She wasn’t sure how long they were there. Time just seemed to stop for the six of them. A tiny droplet hit her forehead. At first, she wondered if it was from the trees above them, but then another followed. The droplets grew in size and intensity, bringing an end to their magical night.

  Drew yelled his thanks to everyone as they all dashed to their cars to escape the downpour. Micah ran to Drew’s car. She ducked down into the low seat as he scrambled to the other side.

  The October air was already crisp; the added rain only compounded the chill. She shivered and pulled her jacket tighter as Drew fumbled with the heat controls.

  “It should warm up quickly.” Drew maneuvered the car back to the road and headed in the direction of her house. She felt guilty that he had to take her all the way back to her house when his was right there, but he had insisted on driving her.

  The rain was coming down in sheets, making it nearly impossible to see past the windshield. Suddenly she was worried about Drew. “Are you all right driving in this?”

  “I’ll be fine.”

  He reached out for her hand and gave her a look she knew well. “I could always stay the night, though.”

  “Yeah, my parents would love that.”

  “It was worth a try.”

  He pulled into her driveway and turned off the car. They sat there in silence for a while, neither one wanting to end the night. He still held her hand, pulling her closer as he went in for a kiss over the center console. She loved kissing him. He knew how to kiss, how to use his lips. Of course, she had nothing else to compare to, but she was positive he was one of the best. She didn’t want to consider how he got so good, instead just reveled in the fact that she was the one he was kissing now.

  His hand began to roam. She needed to get closer, needed more of him, but the console was in the way. Seriously?

  He unzipped her jacket, his hand moving toward the hem of her sweater. It slipped under and his cool hands met her warm flesh. It felt good, too good. Red flags began to wave. Sirens began to sound.

  No. Not yet.

  “I told you already. I’m not ready. Why must you always push it?”

  “I’m sorry. I just figured...”

  “What? It’s your birthday, so you can get away with it?”

  “No...”

  “Save it. Happy birthday, Drew.” She opened the car door. Rain and cold air slapped her in the face. She ran toward
the front porch, not looking back. She heard his car start again and the tires peeling out onto the road. She had made him mad, but oh well. He had made her mad, too. This conversation had become too familiar. She didn’t understand why he kept pushing it.

  THREE

  A continual throb at her temples pounded out a beat any drum line would be proud of. The gentle sway back and forth had her wondering how she had ended up on a boat. Did she even know anyone with a boat?

  Slowly, ever so slowly, she attempted to pry her eyes open. The stickiness proved that last night’s choice to layer up the mascara and falsies had been a bad idea.

  Micah was too afraid to open her eyes, not wanting to experience the piercing pain the bright morning light would bring.

  Drew had visited her in her dreams and it made her feel as if she was seventeen all over again. It was as if the years that had passed had ceased to exist. No death, no pain. She didn’t want to open her eyes and face the inevitable disappointment. But last night she’d made a promise to herself. This was going to stop. She needed to snap out of it.

  With a groan, she rolled over and stretched. The fogginess slowly began to dissipate as she opened her eyes, leaving a clear view of...not her room. Gradually, she began to recognize her surroundings. She had helped pick out that mirror. And that dresser, too.

  It was Josh’s room.

  The smell of tequila and smoke rose up from her clothes and memories of last night came crashing back as thoughts of her dream faded away.

  Josh. She had kissed Josh.

  The memory of his lips upon hers was permanently engraved in her brain. Who could forget a kiss like that? Whether she was drunk or not, those lips were unforgettable.

  How embarrassing! She threw a pillow over her head. This couldn’t be happening. What was she supposed to do? Apologize? Act as if it hadn’t happened? Laugh it off? There had been a lot of alcohol involved. It could easily be swept under the rug.

  The smell, coming from the clothes she had worn the night before, turned her stomach. She threw the covers aside and bolted from the bed, making a mad dash to the bathroom. Immediately, she hugged the porcelain bowl, cursing herself for last night’s stupidity.

  A soothing hand made circles on her back, easing some of the sickness.

  “Good. You’re awake.”

  Josh’s voice was a balm to her frazzled state. Her head hurt too much to look up at him.

  “Do you want me to get you anything?”

  She couldn’t summon the strength to answer.

  “Sorry. I can’t stay in here or else I’m going to be pushing you aside so that I can puke. Call me if you need something.”

  Minutes later, she finally pulled herself away from the toilet, having dispensed of everything and then some. Desperately needing water, she made her way to the kitchen. Josh had such a nice place for a guy. Of course, she had helped with most of it. He’d wanted the apartment to have a woman’s touch without having to invest in a relationship that came attached to a woman.

  As she rounded the corner to the kitchen, Josh came into view. Their gazes locked. An onslaught of images from last night’s impromptu but very passionate kiss returned to the forefront of her mind. Heat rushed from her toes to the top of her head with lightning speed. She could feel the crimson flush as it stretched across her face, down her neck and across her chest.

  Micah could see it in his eyes. He was thinking about the kiss, too. She should look away, but she couldn’t. His steel-gray eyes held her captive. She allowed herself to break the eye contact for just a moment, taking in his fire-station tee and the way it left little to the imagination. Her eyes traveled back up to his and he quickly looked away.

  He stood behind the black granite countertop making coffee, the delicious-smelling aroma pulling her from her overheated thoughts. Without having to ask, he handed her a cup as well as a bottle of water. He knew her so well.

  “Sorry about last night.” She cringed as the words spilled out of her mouth, her voice sounding more like a croak. Sorry seemed like such an inadequate word to cover all her transgressions. She was mortified at the boundaries she had crossed.

  She sat at the kitchen table, her hands wrapped around the modern handleless coffee cup, and absorbed its warmth. Sending up a quick but heartfelt prayer, she hoped that her actions from last night had not done any permanent damage to their relationship.

  “Don’t mention it.” He was busy with something in the kitchen, she couldn’t tell what from her spot.

  Micah tried to make sense of everything. Some fogginess still resided from her drunken haze, clouding her mind. She struggled to separate dream from reality. But regardless, the kiss she’d initiated was bold and clear. Nothing about that was clouded.

  “Why do you keep looking at me like that?” Josh snapped at her.

  “Like what? I’m not looking at you.”

  “Yes, you are. It’s weirding me out. Stop.”

  So he was going to avoid the issue at hand. Good. She didn’t want to talk about it, anyway.

  Plopping down across from her at the table, he poured half the box of cereal into what appeared to be a small mixing bowl.

  “I have no idea what you are talking about. Jeez! You gonna save me any?”

  “It’s my cereal. I can eat it all if I want to.”

  “You’d do that to your guest?” Her head was pounding and this conversation wasn’t helping. Eating might not be such a good idea, anyway.

  “Guest? Um...you left me no choice. You were obliterated last night. If you hadn’t lost your purse, I would have happily taken you to your own place.”

  She looked up from her coffee and immediately regretted the quick movement. The room began to spin again. She needed to lie back down, not argue about cereal.

  It was his way of avoiding an embarrassing conversation. The cereal was unimportant.

  “You’ve got something—” He waved his hand over his cheek.

  Puzzled, she waited for him to finish.

  “You’ve got—” He reached out. Her body went rigid as his hand touched her cheek. Then he ripped something off her face. “It’s an eyelash from last night.”

  After flicking the wayward false eyelashes onto the table, he turned his attention back to his cereal.

  She was still locked out of her apartment, so this place would have to do for now, at least until this feeling of being on a rocking ship subsided.

  “Josh, I need to lie back down. I don’t feel so good.” Her bare feet shuffled against the old hardwood floors as she made her way back to his room. The smell of last night’s bar still clung to her shirt: the smoke, the booze, the other miscellaneous smells that went along with a pub. “And I’m stealing a T-shirt.”

  “Why not? You’ve taken over everything else.”

  Slipping out of her clothes, she pulled on a vintage band tee she found in his dresser, relishing in the way the cool cotton felt against her warm skin. She dove under the covers and buried her head in the pillow. The unsettling feeling of being surrounded by Josh washed over her, his scent clawing her senses. She had helped him pick out the fragrance, too. Even in her tequila haze she could easily pull out the notes of bergamot, Douglas fir and citrus. It was him, completely him.

  Until now, she had not realized just how much his scent had affected her. Memory of last night’s kiss teased her senses once again. She buried herself deeper, needing more of it, needing more of him.

  When had this happened? When had she stopped looking at Josh as a friend or a brother? She was positive this kind of traitorous behavior was punishable by death. One did not simply move on from a deceased boyfriend to his best friend, even if a significant amount of time had passed. And it definitely wasn’t wise to start feeling this kind of desire for a man who thought of you as a sister.

  Al
though that kiss said differently. Sleep claimed her before she was able to analyze and gain answers to the questions that now troubled her.

  * * *

  Josh had been worried about her last night. Micah tended to bottle her emotions until the contents were so compressed that the explosion that followed was a grand display of red flames and fireworks.

  And that was exactly what he got. He just hadn’t expected it to be in the form of an earth-shattering kiss. A huge part of him wanted to smile, to relish in the excitement of finally being able to kiss the one girl who had always been out of his reach. But the moment he allowed that excitement to build, it was swallowed up by betrayal and guilt.

  She had been drunk out of her mind. He thought for sure that she wouldn’t remember a thing, but he had been wrong. She remembered all right, judging by the way her face had turned a beautiful shade of pink when she saw him.

  It had been a mistake.

  The grief she had been experiencing recently was bound to make her do something stupid and out of control. Clearly that was what had happened last night.

  But if that had been the result of her depression, enough was enough. He couldn’t stand any more of this. He should have talked with her sooner, done something sooner. But what? What did you tell your best friend who after ten years fell back into mourning the loss of her boyfriend? If there was a self-help book, he would have bought it by now. He hated seeing her unhappy, but she was her own worst enemy. She was the one keeping herself from happiness—real happiness, not the contrived happiness she had been living with for the last decade. She was only fooling herself. She deserved more than this.

  And he definitely couldn’t handle this latest development. He was wound too tight.

  When she’d walked into the kitchen this morning with her rumpled clothes, her curls going in every direction and a false eyelash stuck to her cheek, everything in him had wanted to continue what they had started the night before.

  The moment her eyes met his and he felt the embarrassment she felt, he’d known he was being foolish. It could never, ever happen. He set his mind back on course, but the frustration and tension were too difficult to ignore. Instead of pushing her against the counter and kissing her the way he wanted to, he’d snapped at her and argued over cereal.