If Only... Read online

  Of course, she had been oblivious to it until recently. Numb to the pain that had festered over time. And just when she had let it out, it was like a snowball, building and building until her grief was out of control. She took a deep swallow of her drink and finished it off, then reached for the ones Hanna and Sabina had left behind.

  Years ago, her sadness had seemed like something she could handle with a modicum of ease. So where had she gone wrong? Somewhere along the way, her desire to control the pain had stifled her grieving process. Things that should have been dealt with years ago had been left unaddressed.

  Everything was out of hand. She had lost control. Control of her grief, her emotions, her life.

  Enough was enough. It had been ten years. Tomorrow it would end. She would make it. Maybe finally addressing the denial and the postponed grief was a good thing. She needed to clear it from her system. She would allow herself one more night of sadness, top it off with a lot of drinking, and tomorrow she would put a stop to this once and for all. No more. Tomorrow she would take her life back.

  Her eyes scanned the pub for her other friends. Sabina and Josh were the group’s token flirts. They had captivated the room, their good looks and irresistible charm creating quite a stir. Sabina’s exotic beauty demanded attention everywhere they went.

  Josh didn’t have to move. He stood next to the bar and the women flocked all around him like vultures sinking their claws into their prey. Little did they know, Josh was far from being prey. Beware, ladies. Beware.

  When the waitress brought the appetizers to the table, Micah ordered another drink. People always said you could drown your sorrows in alcohol, and tonight seemed like a good enough time to try.

  Josh came back over to the table. “Where did everyone go?”

  “Hanna had to take a call. Sabina is over there, and Jamie left.”

  “He left?” Josh appeared to be just as upset as she was.

  “Yup.”

  “Real cool.” Josh seemed to study her. He had a way of doing that. He could have her figured out in minutes and she hated it. “What’s with you?”

  She shrugged her shoulders. There just wasn’t an easy answer. She had a tendency to bottle up her emotions, and tonight it seemed as though the bottle was full and running over.

  She envied her friends. They seemed to have their acts together, and were experiencing so much more in life than she was. She hadn’t seen it until now. Everything in her life was safe—her job, her friends. She steered away from new friendships, new relationships, new opportunities. Outside of her comfort zone she was susceptible, vulnerable. Her friends had been experiencing life while she was safe in her comfortable cocoon, far from things that could hurt her.

  Now all that she had overlooked or failed to deal with had come back to haunt her. She wanted to feel alive again, not the life of denial she had been living, but like her friends had.

  “You should probably slow down on the drinks. I’ve never seen you drink this much. I wouldn’t even know how to handle you if you got drunk.”

  Micah looked down at another empty glass. How many had it been? Who was counting, anyway? “Well, you’re about to find out. I cannot be held responsible for my actions tonight.”

  “Oh, jeez.”

  “Hey, that girl over there keeps checking you out.”

  “Yeah. So?”

  “So, I’ve seen you look at her, too. You should go talk to her.”

  “Can’t. I’m talking to you.”

  “So I’m the lucky one tonight?”

  “Guess so.” His piercing gray eyes were trained on her. Evaluating her. She must have passed. “Wanna play a game?”

  “A game?”

  “Yeah. It’s kind of a game.”

  “Like what?”

  “Let’s try and read people based off of what they’re drinking.”

  She hoped he could read the perplexity on her face. Was he being serious?

  “Come on. It will be fun.”

  “Okay. You start.”

  “Okay, see that guy over there? The one in the red shirt? Watch him. He was just looking at the list of margaritas, but put it away after he noticed the hot bartender. Fifty dollars says he orders whiskey straight.”

  “Oh, so now this is turning into a money game? Okay, you’re on.”

  Micah watched as the bartender handed the man in the red shirt a shot glass filled with amber liquid. He sat it down in front of him, where it remained untouched.

  “Why isn’t he drinking it?”

  “He can’t handle it. That’s why he was looking at the margarita list.”

  She rolled her eyes. This is dumb.

  Josh took a long draw from his beer as a beautiful woman sauntered past their table, flashing him a come-and-get-me smile. Micah sat there with her mouth hanging open at the audacity of the woman. Was Micah really so irrelevant that the woman didn’t consider her to be with Josh? She wasn’t, but still. Seriously? Josh smiled back but moved on. His eyes moved back to the bar, past the man with the untouched shot of whiskey, scanning the other patrons.

  “Okay, it’s your turn.”

  “No. I’m not any good at this.”

  “Okay...see the bombshell at the end of the bar?” Micah’s eyes narrowed as he accentuated the word bombshell. “She’s been nursing that Corona for about half an hour now. She’s alone, looking good and drinking light? I can almost guarantee that she has no intentions of leaving this bar alone tonight. She’ll start throwing them back more heavily once some guy starts buying them for her. Then she’ll pretend she doesn’t want to go anywhere, but if some lucky guy reads the signs right he’ll know that Miss Corona-with-Lime is ready to roll.”

  “You are crazy. Do you always do this?” She watched as he shrugged his broad shoulders and nursed his Sam Adams. “What about me? What do my drinks say?”

  “Well...your drinks tell me a couple of things. One, the variety of your drinks tells me that you steal people’s drinks and don’t pay for your own. And second, they say you won’t remember any of what I just said, anyway.”

  “Well, then...why don’t you go buy one for Miss Corona-with-Lime? She’s already looked over here twice.” She was feeling saucy tonight. Josh noticed. Quirked his eyebrow, and gave her a smile.

  “Someone has to keep you from making bad decisions tonight.”

  “And you’re volunteering?”

  “For now. As soon as you start to drive me nuts, I’m bailing.”

  “Good to know I have such a great friend to count on in my time of need.”

  “Any time.”

  The alcohol was definitely starting to go to her head, making her feel all tingly and disjointed. Josh was starting to look a little hazy as he sat across from her giving her the most puzzling looks. He really was beautiful, reminded her of an iron sculpture in a way—masculine, rough, hard edges, but beautiful nonetheless. Even his eyes were metallic in essence: an odd shade of gray, sometimes taking on blue, sometimes green. Women seemed to love them. She found them piercing and cold. She had always preferred blue eyes, like Drew’s were.

  A vivid memory swept over her. She gulped down the last of her drink and signaled for another. Josh looked as if he was about to ditch her. “Don’t leave me.”

  “Why?”

  “I don’t want guys bothering me.”

  “Oh, I wouldn’t worry about that. They’ll stay far away from you as long as you keep flashing that evil scowl. I think you are scaring everyone in this place, including me. I just need to get some water, and I have no idea where our waitress has run off to. I will be right back.”

  The more she drank, the more she remembered. The more she remembered, the more she drank, an endless cycle of tequila and haunting memories. She and Drew had been high-school sweethearts, planning on fo
rever. She hadn’t just lost her boyfriend that night. She’d lost the love of her life, the kids they would have had, the dream house and the hand that would have held hers as they grew old together. That accident had robbed her of her chance at happiness, stripped her of every dream and desire in one tragic move.

  Oh, gawd. She was even starting to annoy herself. This was just pathetic. The tequila wasn’t working. It was only making it worse.

  “Micah, you’re not looking so good.”

  Well, Josh, you are starting to look really good.

  Oh, my! Where did that come from?

  Josh’s hand cupped her chin, lifting her face until she looked him in the eye. “How many have you had?”

  “That’s irrelevant. Do you know Drew would have been twenty-eight? Can you believe that?”

  “Yeah. It’s hard to imagine.”

  “It’s like his image has been frozen in time. Forever eighteen.”

  “Come on. We need to get you home.”

  “I am fine, Josh. I am not drunk yet. I promise.”

  “Are you kidding me? You’re wasted, like legit wasted. Can’t believe I didn’t stop you before now. You never drink. What’s gotten into you?” His hand wrapped around her arm, urging her to stand and helping her into her coat.

  She didn’t get drunk. She was too much of a lady to act like the common drunken college students who littered this place. Then again, she had consumed a lot. Now that she thought about it, maybe she was drunk, because she could not remember just how many drinks she had had. The room tilted and she was forced to grab Josh for support. Maybe he was right. All she knew was her plan hadn’t worked; she hadn’t drunk enough to forget.

  TWO

  Josh had taken Micah all the way back to her apartment before realizing she had left her purse and keys at the bar.

  “I just miss him so much, Josh.” Micah had been talking like this since they left the pub. This new version of her was getting old fast. Thankfully, this was her first attempt at what he would classify as “escaping the pain.” Although judging by her slurred words on the way home, it hadn’t worked.

  She wasn’t in a good state of mind. It was time someone intervened. And as her best friend, it seemed the responsibility fell in his lap. But now wasn’t the time. He’d talk to her tomorrow.

  “I know. We all do.”

  “But you weren’t going to marry him. I was. You weren’t in love with him. Were you, Josh? I would understand if you were. He was gorgeous.”

  Where was this all coming from? She hadn’t talked this way in years. Until recently, she had appeared normal. He’d never once wondered if she was still hung up on Drew. But since this anniversary started looming over her head, she’d become this depressing, weepy mess that everyone was getting tired of quickly.

  “No. We were just friends, Micah. I prefer women.”

  He would just go with it for now. What else could he do at this point?

  “Yeah, he preferred women, too...maybe too much. One time I caught him kissing another girl.”

  That was news to Josh. He had always suspected something, but never thought Drew would be stupid enough to cheat on Micah. Josh mentally cursed his dead friend.

  “I always thought we would kiss. You know...you and me. Why haven’t you ever kissed me?”

  Josh’s head jerked in Micah’s direction, accidentally turning the wheel with him. They both whipped back and forth as he tried to get his truck under control.

  “Whoa! I think I’m gonna be sick. Can you not drive so crazy?” She let her head fall back on the headrest and closed her eyes.

  What the—? Did she just say what he thought she just said? His eyes kept going back and forth from the road to her.

  She sat up again, her eyes big and round and full of sadness. “I just miss him so much, and no one else does. I just can’t stand it anymore.” Micah burst into tears. The mopey drunk had turned into a weepy drunk right in front of his eyes.

  This was getting ridiculous. Okay, maybe it was far past that point already. Either way, he wasn’t sure how much longer he could put up with this depressed version of his best friend. And where was this talk about kissing coming from? It all had caught him off guard.

  Twelve years ago, when he first met Micah, she was this vibrant ball of fireworks, red hair blazing with the personality to match. After the accident, after they graduated high school, she had disappeared, too caught up in her grief to socialize much. It was understandable. They’d all felt the same way. When college came around, they were thrown together in some of the same courses, and the rest was history. He helped pull her from her despair even though she had never quite returned to her former self.

  He turned to peek at her again. Okay, so maybe he was wrong. He hadn’t cured her completely. His eyes briefly took in the tearstained cheeks before he turned his attention back to the road.

  He needed to see her restored again. Not just to the way she had been these past ten years, but to the vibrant and feisty person she was before Drew.

  It probably didn’t help that she never dated. For a long time he’d thought maybe she was crushing on him, and now after her little confession... That was beside the point. She’s drunk. It’s all nonsense.

  He parked the car, thankful that there was a spot close to the building. Micah was a weepy mess, forcing him to help her up the three flights of stairs. She owed him big!

  He couldn’t get to his keys, and every time he let go of her she started to fall over. Her body leaned heavily against his, her soft fragrance overwhelming his senses. Ever since she’d made that remark in the truck, he couldn’t stop thinking about kissing her. By this point he was just flat-out frustrated. On all levels.

  Putting his firefighter training to use, he flung her limp body over his shoulder, reached for his keys and opened the door. Yeah, he deserved a steak dinner after this...at the very least.

  Finally getting into his bedroom, he wanted to throw her onto the bed. She was too far gone for it to bother her. She deserved the couch after the way she had been acting lately, driving everyone insane with her late-onset depression, but he couldn’t bring himself to do that to her. She would have a killer hangover in the morning. That was punishment enough for being such a pain in his butt lately.

  His phone vibrated in his back pocket. Pulling it out, he saw Sabina’s name on the top of the screen.

  “Hey. Did you find her stuff?”

  “Yeah. I’ve got it.”

  “She’s already passed out at my place, so don’t worry about getting it to her now.”

  “Is she going to be okay, Josh?” Sabina’s voice was marked with concern, the same concern he had felt recently.

  “I don’t know. I hope so. It might be time for a harsh reality check if she doesn’t get her act together soon.”

  “As tough as that sounds, I agree.”

  They said their goodbyes and hung up. Josh had a lot to think about tonight. How did he tell his best friend to quit being depressed? He knew he couldn’t, but there had to be a way to help. Maybe after tonight she would be fine and he would never have to bring it up. At least that was what he was hoping for.

  He looked back at her sleeping form as she lay on his bed. He sat down next to her and pulled her feet into his lap. She was wearing these ridiculous strappy heels that looked a little on the freaky side. He was sure they belonged to Sabina. Micah would never purchase something as complicated as these. It took him a moment, but he figured out how to unfasten each buckle and tugged them off her feet. He struggled with her in such a passed-out state, but he finally got her out of her jacket, too. He pulled the covers back and over her, tucking them close to her. He brushed the curls back from her face and took a moment to study her in such a rare, peaceful state.

  “Why have you become so intent on holding on t
o a ghost, Micah? Tell me that. When will you finally be free of him?”

  Josh leaned forward and placed a soft kiss on her forehead. Tomorrow would be difficult, forcing her to face some hard truths. He hoped he would not lose his friend because of it. Oh, he prayed it would never come to that.

  “Josh?” She sounded so small and fragile when she spoke.

  “Yes?”

  “Hold me.”

  He had always been putty in her hands, would do anything for her. Over the years, he had learned to control his feelings for her, to tamp down the desire he felt. It almost became easy after a while; dating other women helped refocus all of that pent-up energy, leaving him free to be what Micah needed him to be. But he was a man, after all, a red-blooded man, and his control could only withstand so much. Those two little words threatened to unravel years of hard work.

  But how could he deny her? He leaned over her while his mind and body battled it out.

  Her eyes slowly opened, the full force of her warm brown gaze hitting him hard. Her pink lips parted ever so slightly. She had no idea the seductive power she had over him.

  “Why didn’t you ever kiss me, Josh?”

  Her words came out like a whisper, caressing his skin as he hovered over her.

  “I always wanted you to.” Desire coursed through him at the sound of her admission.

  “I haven’t been kissed since Drew. I haven’t even been on a date, really. I don’t count that guy I lost the bet to.” Her voice held a sensual quality, washing over him, weakening his resolve. “I don’t need a man when I have you...but I do need to be kissed.”

  There was too much at stake. He couldn’t risk losing her. He couldn’t risk hurting her.

  Her small hand reached up, cupped the side of his face. He found himself leaning into it even as her hand moved up and around his neck. He closed his eyes as her fingers combed through his hair, not realizing until it was too late that she was pulling him closer.

  Her soft, tentative lips moved against his, leaving him powerless. He responded to her kiss; the tiny thread on which his control was hanging snapped in an instant. Years of restrained passion ignited as he deepened the kiss.