If Only... Page 5

  He lifted his hand and placed three quick knocks on the hardwood door. A few moments later, the knob turned and door opened. Micah stood in front of him, appearing very much like the best friend he knew and loved in her oversize T-shirt and what she called comfy pants, her glasses in place and hair wadded up on top of her head. Her eyes were a little puffy and red, evidence of the tears Sabina had told him about.

  She didn’t say anything, just stood in the doorway, looking at him.

  “I need to ask you something.” The look she gave him told him it was okay to proceed. “How much do you think a polar bear weighs?”

  She gave him a puzzled but knowing look. She knew him too well to know it wasn’t a serious question plaguing his mind. “I don’t know. How much?”

  “Enough to break the ice.” It got the response he wanted. Well, almost. It was a smile, even if forced. She moved aside to let him enter.

  “I can’t talk right now, Josh.”

  “You know, I used to have a pet porcupine.”

  “What? What in the world does that have to do with me not wanting to talk?”

  “Oh, I’m sorry. I just thought we were beginning this conversation with each of us saying things that don’t matter.”

  Her smile stretched from ear to ear. It didn’t matter what was going on between them. She could be mad at him and ready to spit fire his way, but he would saunter in and say something charming. What could he say? He had a way about him. It worked every time.

  “Okay. I’ll stop.” He threw his hands up in surrender. “I just wanted to check in on you.”

  “As you can see, I’m fine.” She extended both of her arms out in an effort to show she was in fact just fine.

  “Are you sure about that?”

  She didn’t answer. Just sat down on the couch and stared at her hands.

  “Micah, I hate seeing you hurt like this.”

  “I’m fine. Really. We don’t need to talk about it.”

  “I knew you would say that.” That was exactly what he expected from her. “But I’m kind of tired of waiting for the right time to talk to you.”

  She looked up with him, her eyes stretched wide. “I don’t want to talk about it!”

  “When will be the right time?” Recently his patience had been wearing thin, making him unsure of how to proceed, how to act around her, talk to her. It was all so exasperating. He had to remind himself to continue to be patient with her. She was in a delicate state of mind.

  “I don’t know. Maybe never.”

  She was frustrated and he knew it by the tone of her voice, the rigidity in her body language, but he wasn’t about to give up on it so easily.

  “Well, that doesn’t work for me.” Okay, handling delicate situations wasn’t something that came easily for him. “You have to get over him.”

  Her gaze snapped back up at him as if he had taken her by surprise. Did she think he was talking about something else? Was she thinking about the kiss instead?

  Her hesitation was clear. He could sense she was searching for a response. He had definitely caught her off guard. Moments passed before she finally spoke.

  “You...you say that like it’s an easy thing. You don’t know what it’s like.”

  “You know you weren’t the only one to go through this, right, Micah?”

  He could see the anger stirring in her eyes, her feisty personality wanting to tell him off.

  “No, but my relationship with him was different. My grief is different than yours. I can’t tell you how to handle it any more than you can tell me how to handle mine.”

  “I’m not telling you how to grieve. I have kept silent. I have let you handle it your way. I’ve been there as a shoulder to cry on more times than I can count. I knew you needed time. But it has been ten years. You can’t keep this up. What you are experiencing now is way past the point of being unhealthy.”

  “Unhealthy?”

  “Yeah. You’ve taken grieving to a whole new level, and you were only with the guy for two years. Don’t you think you’ve cried enough tears over him?”

  Immediately, he regretted it. He had seen the pain in her eyes just before she turned her face from him. He knew better.

  “I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have said that.” He stood in front of her and reached for her hand, pulling her up toward him. “Come here.”

  She came freely, tucking her head under his chin, resting her head on his chest. He knew the moment he pulled her closer that it was a mistake. Her warm body flush against his was wrong on so many levels. He pushed past it. She needed a friend instead of the jerk he had been recently.

  She didn’t say a word. She wasn’t going to make it easy for him.

  “Micah, if you keep going the way you’ve been, I fear you’ll be just as dead on the inside as Drew’s body in the grave.”

  Still no response.

  She felt right in his arms. Like home. He couldn’t lose her. He wanted to keep her safe, right where she was, close to his heart. Keep her safe from the pain of the world and the pain of her past. But he knew he needed to let go and let her do what she needed to do. He needed to support her and encourage her to move on, even if it meant she moved on from him, too. Because when you loved someone, you put their happiness above your own.

  “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to hurt you.”

  “I know.” She pulled back from him enough to look up into his face. “Why were we fighting in the first place, anyway? I was a little hungover, in case you forgot. I can’t really remember what happened.”

  Relief coursed through him. There was hope. Maybe she wasn’t thinking about the kiss after all.

  “I don’t know. I never know why we bother fighting. We both know there’s no point to it. We’re bound for life. It’s inevitable. Nothing will ever come between us. I promise.”

  “Good. Because I can’t imagine life without you.” She pulled away from him completely and headed toward the door. “Can you do me a favor?”

  She lifted up a worn-out old box and handed it to him. “Will you get rid of this for me?”

  “Sure. What is it? Do you want me to donate it or toss it?”

  “It’s just some Drew memorabilia. I felt like it was about time I got rid of it.”

  He hadn’t been prepared for that. Maybe she was moving on quicker than he had realized. “Really? Are you sure about that?”

  “Didn’t you just lecture me on this? Yes, I need it to be gone.”

  “Don’t you want to hold onto some of it?” This was a big deal, especially for her.

  “I already pulled out my favorites. The rest can go.”

  “Okay, but only if you’re sure about it.”

  “I am.”

  He hadn’t expected a change this quickly. She seemed to be handling it just fine.

  “Hey, I have an idea...”

  “What?”

  “What if we both get a tattoo? You know, like in memory of...”

  “You and your tattoos.”

  “But I’m serious. It will be fun. Plus, it will be something you have that will always remind you of him, but never take up valuable space in your closet.”

  She laughed, and then appeared to be contemplating his suggestion. He waited as she pondered.

  “Okay. Let’s do it.”

  “Awesome! I’ll call my guy and you think about what you want to get.”

  * * *

  Micah already knew what she wanted to get. She didn’t need to think too hard on that one. This whole conversation, however, was something else entirely.

  She thought he had been talking about the kiss! She had been sitting there mentally preparing herself for the awkward conversation, and he’d thrown her a curveball.

  All this time she had thought her friends ha
d considered her annual time of grieving as a minor inconvenience. Sure, she had just come to grips with her own denial of the situation, but she hadn’t realized that Josh had noticed. She’d thought she was in control of it, the way she went about her life in a seemingly healthy manner, only allowing herself one period of time a year to cry. That was normal, right?

  So maybe it wasn’t. She had some issues to work through and she would. But never, ever had it crossed her mind that Josh had been aware of it.

  Now she found out the truth! Had she always been so clueless? Did all of her friends think the same way Josh did? Did he really see her as someone who had unresolved grief issues? Did he really see her as such an unstable, unhealthy individual?

  It was infuriating! All of her hard work over the years had been for nothing. The carefully placed mask had fooled no one but herself.

  Argh! She wanted to scream!

  FIVE

  Micah had been avoiding him for almost a week now. She wouldn’t take his calls and responded to his texts with one-word answers. Finally he just stopped trying to talk to her. Obviously, she had changed her mind after their talk the other day. What happened to “I can’t imagine life without you”?

  Had she been serious when she told him she needed space last week? He was so confused. If she wanted space, he would give it to her. But what if she needed a friend more and just didn’t realize it?

  Things had been slow lately at work, which at a fire station was a really good thing, except for the fact that it gave him more time to think about Micah and wonder what she was up to. They had been friends forever. Rarely had a day passed in the last several years that they didn’t talk to one another. It was just how their relationship worked. Best friends. Always.

  Josh had the day off, so after calling up Jamie, he decided to head up to his place for a long overdue visit to the farm. He knew after Jamie had cut out early the other night that this anniversary had been hard on him, too.

  Drew and Jamie had been cousins, but acted more like brothers. He knew it was hard on Jamie, but the man refused to talk about it. Talking about his emotions was just something Jamie would never do, not that Josh would ever force him. Two men talking about their feelings could get real uncomfortable, real fast. But helping him out at the farm for the day would at least show him he cared. That was enough. At least he hoped it would be.

  Josh took the longer way around the city to avoid traffic and headed north. Jamie’s family farm was almost an hour outside of the city. Just close enough to enjoy the city, but far enough away to enjoy the country. That’s just how Jamie liked it. None of it appealed much to Josh, though. He preferred the hustle and bustle of Boston. He wouldn’t trade it for anything. But he had to admit, it sure was pretty this time of year.

  Jamie’s house was surrounded by heavily wooded areas, all painted in the shades of fall. The trees grew tall, arching over the road Jamie lived on. Micah would have loved taking this drive and seeing all the leaves changing colors. Man, that girl had a way of creeping back into his thoughts.

  He shook his head, clearing his mind as he turned down the long driveway to Jamie’s house at the back of the property. The heads of horses and other random farm animals popped over the fences to check out their visitor. The smell smacked him in the face long before he parked the truck and got out.

  “How do you handle this smell?”

  “It’s nice to see you, too!” Jamie laughed as he came out the front door and stood on the deck. His flannel shirt, torn and dirty, showed he had already put in a lot of work today.

  “How are you doing, man?”

  “Good. You?”

  “Doing all right. No complaints. Thought I’d come help you out today. Get my mind off some stuff.”

  “Sure. Could always use some help.”

  They fell into an easy rhythm feeding the animals and cleaning out stalls. There wasn’t any reason to talk, but for some reason Josh couldn’t help himself. “Micah was really upset you left early the other night.”

  “Yeah. Sorry about that. Figured it was time we all moved on, anyway.”

  “Yeah. We were thinking the same thing.”

  “Is she doing okay? Every time any of you bring her up, you sound worried. I haven’t really talked to her in forever. I feel kind of guilty.”

  “We’ve all been worried, but then she woke up one morning last week and seemed over it. Now I can’t get her to return my calls.”

  Jamie stopped what he was doing and looked at Josh.

  “What?” Josh stopped as well and leaned on the pitchfork he was using.

  “Is she dating?”

  “Don’t know.” His shoulders moved up and down in a careless shrug. “Sabina insinuated that she was going to be setting her up.”

  “And how does that make you feel?”

  “Seriously? You gonna go all Dr. Phil on me?” Josh dug the pitchfork back into the hay, this conversation passing the point of ridiculous.

  Jamie laughed and went back to work. “Don’t need to. You just told me all I needed to know.”

  “What are you talking about?” He stopped again. The horse in the stall next to them peeked over as if curious about Jamie’s response as well. He had been right—when men talked about their feelings, it got awkward.

  “You have feelings for Micah.”

  “Wha—?” Josh was dumbfounded. “No way.”

  Jamie continued his work, moving on to the next stall, while Josh just stood there speechless, the horse nudging him with its nose. Josh ignored the horse, too caught up in Jamie’s words.

  “You’re jealous. That is what you are currently feeling, but too dense to realize. Sabina tells you she’s setting Micah up on some dates, and you got jealous.”

  “What are you talking about?”

  “It’s all over your face, not to mention the fact that you only come to visit me when something is bothering you.”

  “I do not.”

  “Stop lying to yourself.”

  “I can’t have feelings for Micah.”

  “Why not?”

  “Because she belongs to Drew. That’s why.”

  “She belonged to Drew. Past tense.”

  “He may be gone, but one, she is obviously still in love with him and hung up on him. And two, he was one of my best friends. That’s like breaking some kind of bro code.”

  Jamie shook his head. “Sounds like a bunch of excuses to me.”

  * * *

  Micah was on the road to recovery. Finally. She had a plan in place and would have this conquered in no time. First things first. Her job.

  She had worked as a nanny since she was in college. It was comfortable. It represented complacency and security, things that no longer had a place in her life. So she quit.

  She had a business degree. It was time to put it to use. After a quick call to Hanna, who used her connections, Micah scored a great interview.

  Her second part of the plan was to start taking better care of herself. It was time to get rid of the ice cream. No more crying into a tub of chocolate with marshmallow swirl.

  She was also in desperate need of a haircut, and maybe even a little update to the wardrobe. Sabina went shopping with her and helped her out. She fought past the urge to reject every suggestion her roommate gave her, but she had to face the truth. The girl was doing something right, and maybe, just maybe, some of that might rub off onto Micah.

  It felt good, as though she was recapturing some of her old self little by little.

  Micah used her knee to bang on the door of Josh’s apartment. It was Sunday, which meant an afternoon of football and food with her friends. She had spent the last few days avoiding Josh, but it was time to face him. She couldn’t ignore him forever.

  The girls were responsible for the food this
week and somehow she had gotten saddled with the task of picking it all up. Her arms were heavy-laden with the grocery bags, as she hadn’t wanted to take more than one trip up three flights of stairs.

  Jamie answered the door. “Oh, hey! Let me help you with that. Why didn’t you call? I would have come down and grabbed them for you.”

  “You know I like to pretend I’m fiercely independent.” He transferred the bags from her arms to his as she shut the apartment door.

  Micah entered the living room area and saw Josh sitting on the couch, with his three-year-old niece cuddled up on his lap. She wasn’t prepared for the rush she felt at seeing him again. She had told herself her initial reaction the other night had been completely imagined. After one too many drinks, she had misconstrued an accidental brush of lips and made it in to something more. There was no way she felt anything more than friendly toward Josh. The only emotion she was currently feeling was irritation or frustration or something like that.

  Yeah, right. Keep telling yourself that.

  She took in his hair, purposely tousled in its usual fashion, and the color of his shirt, which made his eyes stand out even more. Everything she had just told herself had been a lie.

  You might be a little out of practice, but this is lust, honey. Pure and simple. Now wipe the drool and smile like you mean it.

  His face lit up when he saw her enter the room. “Hey.”

  Suddenly she didn’t know how to act around him. Smiling was not as easy as it once had been. She now knew what it felt like to have those lips on hers.

  Instead, she focused on his niece. She could do this.

  “Lily, I didn’t know you were going to be here today.” The little girl turned to her and her face lit up. She jumped off his lap and ran over to Micah. She picked her up and gave her a big bear hug. “Is your mommy here, too?”

  “No, Unca Joshie watchin’ me.”

  “Oh, well, that’s fun.”

  Josh stood up and walked over to her to grab the remaining grocery bag. “Here, let me.”

  He tried to take the bag, but Lily wanted her uncle back and lunged toward him. He abandoned the bag and caught her just in time, leaving Micah awkwardly grasping at both the girl and the bag wedged between them.